So after a great weekend, I returned to my apartment. After dragging my bags to my room, eating dinner, and taking a shower, I realize how incredibly sad I am and tears go down my face. I know exactly why. This happens to me everytime I see him. It is so difficult to love someone and have them in your life but still not truly have them. If we were still together we would make a year this upcoming tuesday. You have no idea how bad I wish we were still together. We talk all day every day 247. And we spend time together, its as if its just the two of us and nothing else matters. But yet, at the end of the day he is still single. I am still single. We owe each other nothing. And that is what kills me. Because when you love someone you want them to be yours. A relationship is more than just the title ‘bf/gf’. I’ve tried so hard to find the things I love in him in other men but it is just so difficult. No one is as interesting as him. as funny. as athletic. as charming. as loving. no one knows me as well as he does. I’m sad bc I wish I could spend more time with him but I just live far. I wonder if I didn’t leave for school would we still be together? I wish he would just get his shit together and decide what he wants to do instead of stringing me along but part me of me is grateful that I still am apart of his life. I know within a few hours or a day I will get in the correct mindset and focus back on school but man, it sure does suck feeling this way. 

What did I do wrong?
Here I was having a good return back to Orl, and everything seemed to be going well. I had a lot to look forward. And now everything seems to be going down the drain. First off, my one of my roommates thinks I am doing all these horrible things and I just can’t believe it. All of these accusations are just so wrong and no matter how much I plead that I didn’t do them its just no use. It is very stressful when you live away from your close friends and family and you feel like no one trusts you.

Another issue is when you become close to someone and they just treat you like you are invisible to them. One minute you can be so close and the next…nonexistent. That just hurts me. A lot. I’ve been trying to keep my mind off many things but I guess you can’t fool your heart.

On more positive news, I spoke to my aunt today. I haven’t heard from her in so many years and when I used to live in NY, we spent so much time together. It was really great having her in my life. When I spoke to her today, I was just so happy. So so so happy. We reminisced a lot. We shared many laughs and it felt so good to tell her how far I have come. How well I am doing in school and how I am able to take care of myself now that I live on my own. She wants to fly me back to NY during my next break, and that is really exciting to me. I can’t wait to see her. 

School is okay. I have to cram a lot of things in my head for my next exams but it won’t be bad. I am heading back home this weekend to take care of a few things. I can’t wait even though its just for 2 days, it will be nice to see my brother and mom. 

As I sit here and write this, my mood starts to lift. I realize that I have a lot of good things to look forward to. Thank God. I really hope everyone is having a better night, but I know somewhere someone has it worst. That saddens me. 

Well i guess, my woes aren’t as bad as I thought. I just needed to get that off my chest. I hope tomorrow is a better day. It has to be.